I sit here writing this post from the corner of my living room, back pressed up against the radiator. Tick tock…..tick tock….tick……tock….Over by my photo of a smiley Grandma, the clock makes it’s familiar sound. Tick tock. Although soothing, every sound, every second that passes, simply means that another ounce of time is gone. Forever….
…..Forever. Such a definite word. It is a word that has sprung up in many of my thoughts since November 26th 2011. Gone forever. The two words that make me miss Gran more than anything. The simple thought that I’ll never see her again is the very thing that induces intense sadness, like nothing I’ve felt before. Gone forever…..how about, “She’ll be with me forever and I’ll love her forever”….
It’s funny….as a long term sufferer of depression, I always thought that when Gran passed away, I’d relapse into depressive illness. Sure, I’ve cried and I’ve been moved by simple memories, songs and even seeing “The Sound of Music” DVD in Tescos (we watched it together so many times!) but not once did I detect even a hint of depression in my grieving process. I’ve been able to find so many positives in the whole event. The very fact that I was able to be with her in her final moments – just the two of us in out little bubble for one last time- was the biggest honour of my life.
As the clock continues to tick, my thoughts have drifted onto the other things that have had the power to bring me down to an intolerable level – to induce an episode of depression. And I know I’m over sensitive and pessimistic by nature…..but I’ve come to realise something tonight. The things that bring me down are NOT IMPORTANT. NOT ONE BIT!!! Recently, work stresses, horrible people, feeling under valued, feeling back stabbed……it all DOESN’T MATTER. I honestly care so much about the people I spend time with – my family, friends and colleagues. I’d do anything to help them out and I want them to be happy. However, I’ve come to realise that some people have priorities that are so far removed from my own that they eventually become intolerable to me.
I always prided myself on the whole, “Each on to their own” mentality. I would let people’s actions flow over my head and not form opinions, however, as time ticks on, so precious in it’s nature, I have come to realise that in order to stay true to myself, it is better to speak up or remove myself from these influences.
I spent years suffering form anorexia, staying shy and quiet about the things that bothered me. I’ve worried night after night about not being good enough. I’ve felt paranoid that people are talking about how much of a messed up freak I am. I’ve panicked that people have got the wrong idea about me and the person inside.
Well, here’s to all the bastards who judge people with depression as being something that they’re not – people with depression are not “messed up”. They probably worry too much and take the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are probably one to get walked over by others, and then kicked in the teeth when they show signs of “losing it”. People with depression need to talk. They need to be respected and not told to “Stop getting upset”. Depression has a multitude of physical symptoms – I couldn’t stand up some days. Complete and utter lack of energy left me dizzy, faint and slurred in movement and speech. Sometimes people have had issues in their past that need to be healed. sometimes people around the sufferer need to realise that depression is a clinical illness that needs treating. Depressed is not what you are really. The bubbly girl inside me always wants to come out. She just gets trapped sometimes.
Depression has stolen too much of my life so far. It’s sure as hell not taking any more. For all those things that have reigned in power over the years – the bastards along the way, the pointless worries over work, the sleepless nights over not keeping people pleased….IT ALL DOESN’T MATTER!!
Girls – what does matter is your health. Your happiness. Your people and your dreams. And as the clock ticks on, know that I’m here for you, as are the special people in your life. Music is there if you need to sing and nature will blow the cobwebs away. People who judge you as something you’re not are not worth thinking about and remember, you’re not a failure if you turn your back on something that you don’t believe in. Stay true to yourself and the rest will unfold nicely…..
…….LOVE YOU ALL.
p.s – sorry for this random post! It just happened!